Cracked.com, The Guy

It was eleven AM, and my day was turning out to be just awful. First my boss yelled at me for coming in late when I was ten minute early, then I found out Wendy in HR is telling people that I have syphilis. And what's worse, the new guy at the desk one over looks looks exactly like the composite sketches of  that serial rapist that are all over the news. So you can bet that when my break came, I was ready to do anything to take my mind off of everything.

That's when I felt something splash against the back of my neck.

I whirled around in my seat, and standing behind me was a man in an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, with a wife beater underneath that had BONER written across it in sharpie. He was wearing an upside-down green visor that was turned sideways, and pumping a super soaker.

“Dude, got you,” he said. “That's freaking awesome. And you didn't even see it coming!”

Irritated, I rubbed the back of my neck. “Is this urine?”

He laughed. “Hey man,” he said. “You look really bored . How about a funny list or two? Nobody's watching.”

I shrugged. “Meh.”

“Oh come on,” he said. “It won't take too long. Just real quick, while nobody's looking?”

I thought about it for a second, weighing the pros and cons. It had been a while, so I gave it a shot. “Alright, yeah,” I said. “Whatever. But make it fast.”

Cracked.com took a deep breath, and stood up straight. “Okay,” he said. “Check this out. The other day I heard about these six guys who cheated death right in its douchebag face, and kicked its freaking ass. Want to hear about that? It's pretty funny.”

I thought about it, then shook my head. “Eh, no. I don't think so. What else you got?”

He scratched his chin for a moment, then snapped his fingers. “Alright,” he said. “I got it. Five birds with insane mating calls that will blow your freaking mind. Interested?”

I sighed. "Yeah, I guess I'll do that one. Wait, are you just a list site now?”

Cracked.com cleared his throat, stood up straight, and held up a picture of a bird.

“This one is the New Zealand Wysteria Jay. Its mating call sounds like the guitar solo from 'Sunshine of Your Love,' by Eric Clapton.”

“So?”

“So? Think about it. Isn't that freaking crazy?”

I shrugged apathetically. “I don't know, kinda, I suppose. What else you got?”

He dropped the picture on the ground and held up another one. “Okay, this is a brown Connecticut Swallow. The sonic vibrations from its mating call can help treat long-term depression in termites, and some breeds of possum.”

“Okay, and?”

"Think about it. Isn't that freaking crazy?”

That's when I noticed the little black text beneath the picture. I looked at the stack of other pictures underneath his arm. Each one had the same captions. “Wait, what's that?” I pointed.

“Oh, that's one of the captions I put on my pictures. Little black text, beneath each picture.”

“You use the same style of captions over and over for every picture?” I asked.

“Eventually you might think it's funny again.”

I groaned and pinched between my eyes. This was not going well. I was considering just doodling penises in MSPAINT, and making that my whole break. But I was bored enough to continue. “Okay," I said. "So what does the next bird do?”

“Alright, listen to this: it hypnotizes you into buying it bird seed.”

I crossed my arms. “Alright.”

His grin widened. “Think about it, isn't that freaking crazy?”

I held up my hand. “Alright, hold it right there. Before the next one, tell me. Is this all of your lists? Just a bunch of facts, then explanations of what my reaction should be with the word 'freaking' a lot?"

“Yep.”

“Well, are these written by a computer or something?”

He shook his head. “No, people actually write them. But listen, I've got a list of six video game fan theories that will change your opinion of Nazi Germany. It's insane.”

I threw my hands up in the air. “Jesus Christ!” I shouted. “This is all the same shit over and over again! Alright, I'm done with this. Never again. Go away please.”

“Want to see a video? It's six minutes long.”

I fumed. “Get the hell out of here, and don't come back! I'll just stick to my other websites from now on. Go on, get lost!”

But as Cracked.com walked away, I heard an audible chuckle. “What?” he said. “All three of them? You'll be back.”

End